一个朋友的ESSAY帮忙改一下【已回复】

千年小兔么 - 2007-1-11 10:02:00

Exposed

If a man indicates his wishes of exposing himself in public, he might get
arrested strightaway. But for a boy who has deficient English speaking
ability, this slip of the tongue simply brings him stimulating and memorable
experience, and of course, laughter. My foreign hostess Nancy, with wavy
blonde hair, introduced me the student life in US. “Kids here,” she paused
and served me another pancake, “are exposed to the society. They can have
so much fun out of school.”
Lost in reflection with a little jealousy, I muttered, “I wanna be exposed
too.”
A burst of laughter abruptly jolted me back into the present. Nancy was
laughing hilariously while I glued my eyes on her in confusion. Something
wrong with the pancake?
In a minute or so, she stopped laughing and said, “I’m sure you will.
Welcome to US.”

At the end of my Junior 2, I participated in the summer camp Green Across
the Pacifc(GATP) and went to US for a one-month trip. I yearned for a new
place where I could explore a foreign culture, where I could encounter
people of backgrounds unlike mine, and where I could play without parents’
observation. From the minute I left San Francisco International Airport, the
palm trees along the clean street, the ubiquitously salty breeze from the
Pacific Ocean, and my cravings for adventure in the new surroundings told me
that I was definitely “not in Canton anymore.” Like a young Columbus
turned loose, from west coast to east coast, I set out on expeditions into
every single place within my vision, waiting for another brand new world to
appear. Sometimes I got lost. I can still recall that I lost my tour bus on
Time Square because I was too indulged in the albums at Virgin Megastore. A
surge of fear crept over me as I was rushing down the street in panic. What
if I never found the bus? Eventually I did find it, and with my heart still
fluttering violently, I sensed an inexplicably secret excitement that
intensified and won out over my fear. That was an insatiable quest to
explore, to discover, and to expose myself to the world full of
possibilities.

Although it was difficult to understand everything going on with my little
mind, I soon came to realize my unique presence in this new stir fry
environment. By the time I stood in the UN headquarter, looking above the
flags from around the globe, I felt as if people of different races,
nationalities and religion were smiling at me. That moment was one of the
most sublime of my life. I heard passionate symphony echoes and crescendos
towards its climax. Every note sent a warm sensation from my head through my
chest and pulsing though my body, summoning me to a solemn ceremony. I was
granted a new identity. More than a Cantonese, or a Chinese, I became a
world citizen. With this new ID, I am free to expose myself to different
places in the world, sharing my stories, my culture and my legacy.

At the last night in US, I prepare a Cantonese dinner for my host family.
That meal, seasoned by my gratitude and joy in the past month, seemed to
emit an irresistable aroma of Chow Rice and coffee. I gazed at their chewing
mouths, expecting a response. Nancy put down her spoon to look me in the
eye. As she raised her thumb in praise, a beam of light transcended her
pupils to produce a telling spark of appreciation. If only my parents, who
were thirteen time zones away, could have been by the table to indeed enjoy
this unforgetable meal with us.

应做如是观 - 2007-1-11 10:16:00

挺好的呀。没大错。

骑着王子的白马 - 2007-1-12 13:48:00

Exposed

If a man indicates his wishes of exposing himself in public, he might get
arrested strightaway. But for a boy who has deficient English speaking
ability, this slip of the tongue simply brings him stimulating and memorable
experience, and of course, laughter. My foreign hostess Nancy, with wavy
blonde hair, introduced me the student life in US. “Kids here,” she paused
and served me another pancake, “are exposed to the society. They can have
so much fun out of school.”
Lost in reflection with a little jealousy, I muttered, “I wanna be exposed
too.”
A burst of laughter abruptly jolted me back into the present.（拉回到现在？之前说的不就是当时的事吗？） Nancy was
laughing hilariously while I glued my eyes on her in confusion. Something
wrong with the pancake?
In a minute or so, she stopped laughing and said, “I’m sure you will.
Welcome to US.”

At the end of my Junior 2（这是什么意思啊？大三下学期？没这种说法的）, I participated in the summer camp Green Across
the Pacifc(GATP) and went to US for a one-month trip. I yearned for a new
place where I could explore a foreign culture, where I could encounter （encounter有点负面的意思，遇到的往往是困难啊，什么的，所以这里不如就直接用meet好了）
people of backgrounds unlike mine（后面这句很怪，是指背景与我不同的人吗？改成从句吧，会好一些）, and where I could play without parents’
observation. From the minute I left San Francisco International Airport, the
palm trees along the clean street, the ubiquitously salty breeze from the
Pacific Ocean, and my cravings for adventure in the new surroundings told me
that I was definitely “not in Canton anymore.” Like a young Columbus
turned loose, from west coast to east coast, I set out on expeditions into
every single place within my vision, waiting for another brand new world to
appear. （前后两个部分的衔接不是很好，过渡的地方需要加强）Sometimes I got lost. I can still recall that I lost my tour bus on
Time Square because I was too indulged in the albums at Virgin Megastore. A
surge of fear crept over me as I was rushing down the street in panic. What
if I never found （couldn't find就可以了，never有点太绝对了）the bus? Eventually I did find it, and with my heart still
fluttering violently, I sensed an inexplicably secret excitement that
intensified and won out over my fear. That was an insatiable quest to
explore, to discover, and to expose myself to the world full of
possibilities.

Although it was difficult to understand everything going on with my little
mind, I soon came to realize my unique presence in this new stir fry
environment. By the time I stood in the UN headquarter, looking above the
flags from around the globe, I felt as if people of different races,
nationalities and religion were smiling at me. That moment was one of the
most sublime of my life. I heard passionate symphony echoes and crescendos
towards its climax. Every note sent a warm sensation from my head through my
chest and pulsing though my body, summoning me to a solemn ceremony. I was
granted a new identity. More than a Cantonese, or a Chinese, I became a
world citizen. With this new ID, I am free to expose myself to different
places in the world, sharing my stories, my culture and my legacy.

At the last night in US, I prepare a Cantonese dinner for my host family.
That meal, seasoned by my gratitude and joy in the past month, seemed to
emit an irresistable aroma of Chow Rice and coffee. I gazed at their chewing
mouths, expecting a response. Nancy put down her spoon to look me in the
eye. As she raised her thumb in praise, a beam of light transcended her
pupils to produce a telling spark of appreciation. If only my parents, who
were thirteen time zones away, could have been by the table to indeed enjoy
this unforgetable meal with us.ÑmÄòKôÕbbs.eduglobal.comÝ¼¦¾r[8ô

全文行文比较漂亮，但是主旨体现的不够，通过阅读完整篇文章，不知道到底想表达些什么。想说明自己能融入美国社会吗？最好能够有一个点题的话出来

key - 2007-1-13 18:56:00

楼上的很强啊！

楼主是什么专业的啊？我怎么没有遇到写essay的啊？都什么专业要写这个啊

Smalllady - 2007-1-18 14:46:00

修改的很认真嘛!! 顶!!!!;P ;P ;P

我很欣慰 - 2007-3-7 10:09:00

我学理科的,没essay,能不能斑竹上来批个ps的?

adzcxv - 2007-5-29 10:02:00

很不错啊

------------------- ----- --------------

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kawala - 2007-5-29 10:23:00

我很喜欢,太精彩了

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！

LOVELY_JO - 2007-5-29 10:23:00

谢谢

--------------------------------------

—— ！，！，！

molecularyan - 2007-5-29 11:10:00

我赞成。

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—— ！，！，！

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