艾迪国际留学论坛美国留学美国留学文书一个朋友的ESSAY帮忙改一下【已回复】

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标题: 一个朋友的ESSAY帮忙改一下【已回复】

一个朋友的ESSAY帮忙改一下【已回复】

Exposed„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
If a man indicates his wishes of exposing himself in public, he might get „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
arrested strightaway. But for a boy who has deficient English speaking „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
ability, this slip of the tongue simply brings him stimulating and memorable „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
experience, and of course, laughter. My foreign hostess Nancy, with wavy „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
blonde hair, introduced me the student life in US. “Kids here,” she paused „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
and served me another pancake, “are exposed to the society. They can have „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
so much fun out of school.”„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
Lost in reflection with a little jealousy, I muttered, “I wanna be exposed „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
too.”„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
A burst of laughter abruptly jolted me back into the present. Nancy was „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
laughing hilariously while I glued my eyes on her in confusion. Something „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
wrong with the pancake?„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
In a minute or so, she stopped laughing and said, “I’m sure you will. „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
Welcome to US.”„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
At the end of my Junior 2, I participated in the summer camp Green Across „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
the Pacifc(GATP) and went to US for a one-month trip. I yearned for a new „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
place where I could explore a foreign culture, where I could encounter „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
people of backgrounds unlike mine, and where I could play without parents’ „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
observation. From the minute I left San Francisco International Airport, the „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
palm trees along the clean street, the ubiquitously salty breeze from the „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
Pacific Ocean, and my cravings for adventure in the new surroundings told me „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
that I was definitely “not in Canton anymore.” Like a young Columbus „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
turned loose, from west coast to east coast, I set out on expeditions into „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
every single place within my vision, waiting for another brand new world to „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
appear. Sometimes I got lost. I can still recall that I lost my tour bus on „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
Time Square because I was too indulged in the albums at Virgin Megastore. A „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
surge of fear crept over me as I was rushing down the street in panic. What „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
if I never found the bus? Eventually I did find it, and with my heart still „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
fluttering violently, I sensed an inexplicably secret excitement that „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
intensified and won out over my fear. That was an insatiable quest to „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
explore, to discover, and to expose myself to the world full of „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
possibilities.„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
Although it was difficult to understand everything going on with my little „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
mind, I soon came to realize my unique presence in this new stir fry „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
environment. By the time I stood in the UN headquarter, looking above the „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
flags from around the globe, I felt as if people of different races, „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
nationalities and religion were smiling at me. That moment was one of the „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
most sublime of my life. I heard passionate symphony echoes and crescendos „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
towards its climax. Every note sent a warm sensation from my head through my „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
chest and pulsing though my body, summoning me to a solemn ceremony. I was „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
granted a new identity. More than a Cantonese, or a Chinese, I became a „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
world citizen. With this new ID, I am free to expose myself to different „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
places in the world, sharing my stories, my culture and my legacy.„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
At the last night in US, I prepare a Cantonese dinner for my host family. „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
That meal, seasoned by my gratitude and joy in the past month, seemed to „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
emit an irresistable aroma of Chow Rice and coffee. I gazed at their chewing „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
mouths, expecting a response. Nancy put down her spoon to look me in the „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
eye. As she raised her thumb in praise, a beam of light transcended her „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
pupils to produce a telling spark of appreciation. If only my parents, who „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
were thirteen time zones away, could have been by the table to indeed enjoy „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
this unforgetable meal with us.„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
最后编辑骑着王子的白马 最后编辑于 2007-01-13 14:52:02
引用
 

回复: 一个朋友的ESSAY帮忙改一下

挺好的呀。没大错。„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
引用
 

回复: 一个朋友的ESSAY帮忙改一下

Exposed„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
If a man indicates his wishes of exposing himself in public, he might get „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
arrested strightaway. But for a boy who has deficient English speaking „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
ability, this slip of the tongue simply brings him stimulating and memorable „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
experience, and of course, laughter. My foreign hostess Nancy, with wavy „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
blonde hair, introduced me the student life in US. “Kids here,” she paused „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
and served me another pancake, “are exposed to the society. They can have „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
so much fun out of school.”„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
Lost in reflection with a little jealousy, I muttered, “I wanna be exposed „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
too.”„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
A burst of laughter abruptly jolted me back into the present.(拉回到现在?之前说的不就是当时的事吗?) Nancy was „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
laughing hilariously while I glued my eyes on her in confusion. Something „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
wrong with the pancake?„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
In a minute or so, she stopped laughing and said, “I’m sure you will. „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
Welcome to US.”„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
At the end of my Junior 2(这是什么意思啊?大三下学期?没这种说法的), I participated in the summer camp Green Across „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
the Pacifc(GATP) and went to US for a one-month trip. I yearned for a new „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
place where I could explore a foreign culture, where I could encounter (encounter有点负面的意思,遇到的往往是困难啊,什么的,所以这里不如就直接用meet好了)„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
people of backgrounds unlike mine(后面这句很怪,是指背景与我不同的人吗?改成从句吧,会好一些), and where I could play without parents’ „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
observation. From the minute I left San Francisco International Airport, the „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
palm trees along the clean street, the ubiquitously salty breeze from the „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
Pacific Ocean, and my cravings for adventure in the new surroundings told me „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
that I was definitely “not in Canton anymore.” Like a young Columbus „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
turned loose, from west coast to east coast, I set out on expeditions into „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
every single place within my vision, waiting for another brand new world to „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
appear. (前后两个部分的衔接不是很好,过渡的地方需要加强)Sometimes I got lost. I can still recall that I lost my tour bus on „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
Time Square because I was too indulged in the albums at Virgin Megastore. A „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
surge of fear crept over me as I was rushing down the street in panic. What „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
if I never found (couldn't find就可以了,never有点太绝对了)the bus? Eventually I did find it, and with my heart still „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
fluttering violently, I sensed an inexplicably secret excitement that „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
intensified and won out over my fear. That was an insatiable quest to „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
explore, to discover, and to expose myself to the world full of „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
possibilities.„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
Although it was difficult to understand everything going on with my little „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
mind, I soon came to realize my unique presence in this new stir fry „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
environment. By the time I stood in the UN headquarter, looking above the „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
flags from around the globe, I felt as if people of different races, „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
nationalities and religion were smiling at me. That moment was one of the „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
most sublime of my life. I heard passionate symphony echoes and crescendos „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
towards its climax. Every note sent a warm sensation from my head through my „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
chest and pulsing though my body, summoning me to a solemn ceremony. I was „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
granted a new identity. More than a Cantonese, or a Chinese, I became a „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
world citizen. With this new ID, I am free to expose myself to different „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
places in the world, sharing my stories, my culture and my legacy.„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
At the last night in US, I prepare a Cantonese dinner for my host family. „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
That meal, seasoned by my gratitude and joy in the past month, seemed to „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
emit an irresistable aroma of Chow Rice and coffee. I gazed at their chewing „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
mouths, expecting a response. Nancy put down her spoon to look me in the „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
eye. As she raised her thumb in praise, a beam of light transcended her „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
pupils to produce a telling spark of appreciation. If only my parents, who „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
were thirteen time zones away, could have been by the table to indeed enjoy „OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
this unforgetable meal with us.ÑmÄò“KôÕbbs.eduglobal.comݼ¦¾r[8ô„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
全文行文比较漂亮,但是主旨体现的不够,通过阅读完整篇文章,不知道到底想表达些什么。想说明自己能融入美国社会吗?最好能够有一个点题的话出来„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
最后编辑骑着王子的白马 最后编辑于 2007-01-13 14:28:41
[fly]一只小蜜蜂啊,挥在花从中啊,挥呀,挥呀……[/fly]
[img]http://www.gxqzez.net/UploadFile/2006-8/20068121155812184.gif[/img]
引用
 

回复: 一个朋友的ESSAY帮忙改一下【已回复】

楼上的很强啊!„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
楼主是什么专业的啊?我怎么没有遇到写essay的啊?都什么专业要写这个啊„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
引用
 

回复: 一个朋友的ESSAY帮忙改一下【已回复】

修改的很认真嘛!! 顶!!!!;P ;P ;P„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
引用
 

回复:一个朋友的ESSAY帮忙改一下【已回复】

我学理科的,没essay,能不能斑竹上来批个ps的?„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
引用
 

很不错啊

很不错啊„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
------------------- ----- --------------„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
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引用
 

我很喜欢,太精彩了

我很喜欢,太精彩了„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
--------------------------------------„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
引用
 

谢 谢

谢 谢„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
--------------------------------------„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
—— !,!,!„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
引用
 

我赞成。

我赞成。„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
„OïñþF„!bbs.eduglobal.comÛ–²Üy<¢ÐØ
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