Dwelling in the Beingness of Inter-being 第一部分

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Satan Ven

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2008-04-08 11:23 | 只看楼主 树型| 收藏| 小中大 1^#

Dwelling in the Beingness of Inter-being 第一部分

Dwelling in the Beingness of Inter-being: A Home-Searching Journey in a Foreign Place

The United States, a foreign place, has also brought out an unfamiliar me. From China to the United States, not an easy road to travel, especially, when your companion is yourself. I had to learn to befriend this unfamiliar me and to cope with the fears arising out of the unknown self.
The journey began with my first stop in the United States, Syracuse University, on August 5, 2003. Two years later, upon my obtaining a MA degree, I have become a first-year doctoral student studying public relations in the Communication Department at the University of Maryland. Four years or 1460 days—time seems both long and short. It is long enough to learn to become appreciative of what I used to take for granted; yet short enough to even begin to comprehend what I have been living through and what a life is unfolding in front of me. The uncertainty of life consumed me.
With the flow of time, life has become driven by goals, one after another. Coming to the United States, pursuing a MA degree, graduating on time with a doctoral degree, publishing research articles, etc., the list goes on and on. Yet, while I am furthering my academic career, as an integrated human being, I have become more and more removed from the authentic being of who I am. Myself has become foreign to me, and I have become foreign to myself. Sometimes, I could sit back and converse with myself as a stranger, asking, “What are you rushing about?” “Why are you here?” “What is the purpose of life?” Yet, these questions seem to end in the very act of asking.

From a legitimate citizen in China to a non-resident alien in the United States, my identity has been confronted by the foreignness in the American culture. This foreignness brought out a new side of me. However, many times, the new side does not get along with the familiar me. The contradiction between the familiar being rooted in me and the present being of living in the U.S. furthered my lost. I felt vulnerable in this inter-space between China and the United States. The multiple identities coexisting in me fragmented who I am. Existentially, I belong to two places and two cultures; yet, sensuously, I belong to no place and no culture. The beingness of this inter-being places me into a state of floating, from one place to another, yet, with nowhere to ground in. I did not know who I am.
As the unknown within me starts to unfold, my home-searching journey has just begun. Never could I anticipate that a single decision of pursuing higher education in the United States would engage me in an everlasting inquiry of who I am and search for a place to fit in. I call this yet-known place home, a home in a foreign place. Will it be possible?
The home-searching begins with remembrance of home, and the remembrance, ironically, begins with forgetting what and where home is. Through forgetfulness, I recalled the feeling of home and re-discovered the meaning of home.
Airport Departure: Lost in Time and Space
From China to the United States, within a twenty-hour’s flight, I crossed time, space, and culture, literally and existentially. I gained one day extra in life (China is ahead of the United States). Yet, I had no excitement about this extra day. I wanted to go back.
Lost, I did not understand what happened. Twenty-four hours ago, I was in Beijing, China, immersing in a moment of intense emotions mixed with happiness, sadness, worry, love, and much more that I could only experience but could not articulate. I remembered mom’s gaze. It captured all the unspoken messages: joy, happiness, love, and sadness. It was not the first time that I saw mom cry, but was the first cry that I remembered. As I walked into the airport, they kept on waving towards me, and I kept on turning back looking at their waving until they faded away. At the moment, my body collapsed and I faded away. Tears were running all over my face. I could not see the road but taste the saltiness of my own tears. Will I survive this unknown journey?
Twenty-four hours later, I landed on a foreign place. My body was sleeping and my mind was drifting. However hard I tried, I could not wake them up. The people and the place, they were unknown to me. The air, even it smelled exotic to me. I felt suffocated. I could not breathe. My body felt twisted as my consciousness was still living in the moment of my airport department in China with my beloved parents and ex-boyfriend.
The sensuous reality and the physical reality, they were not compatible. I felt living in two worlds. I encountered my first bonding experience with China, interestingly, in the United States. It was the first time that I was childishly excited about seeing a Chinese face and listening to my mother tongue, Chinese, being spoken. They helped me stay in touch with who I am. Otherwise, I would feel falling apart, at this new place. This very place, a place that nobody forced me to come but myself; a place where my childhood dream was buried in; and a place that I questioned myself, was this going to be heaven or hell?
The journey has just begun.

The low key is a cow X to show most。。。低调才是最牛X的炫耀。。。

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